Welcome to the holidays...the "Happiest time of the year!" A season full of joy! Well, sure, unless you're someone who lives with chronic depression & anxiety, and struggling financially as it is. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the joyous moments, and time with family & friends. But, the moments inbetween can be more overwhelming than usual. Add to it, the cold dreary bitterness of winter, when you don't want to be outside at all (which usually getting out in the sun & getting fresh air, is what helps the depressed moments). When you work so much, just to get by, and then because if it, miss out on celebrations and then can't even give to your loved ones, like you want to do, it can get the best of you. Being alone doesn't help either. You want to be able to share the holidays with a loved one by your side, celebrating the fun of the season together. I used to look forward to getting decorations up, and doing the annual Christmas letter, being able to share all the fun moments of the year with loved ones. Now, there is no desire for any of it. It's hard to think what I could even write. Sure, most of it would be about my sweet granddaughter, as she is my pure joy & light in the darkness. I would also share the pride of my kids & thier achievements....for they are my reason to keep fighting through it. So, know I haven't forgotten my blessings. It's just when the depression takes over the rest, it's a challenge to not let it sneak through. Thinking of this year, I can't help but think about the lives lost. Three of my kid's friends in just the last 9 months...young lives gone too soon. It doesn't seem fair! Two of my friends losing thier husbands, and having to find out how to carry on without them. Then having certain friendships, or relationships, gone bad or just changed, and missing what was. It's mostly that....missing what once was! I've gone through a lot of pictures lately, and though I'm grateful for the memories, it's hard knowing what was. Now I'm attempting to get decos up; but, it is more of an exhausting process. But, I'm trying. My Pops always made them extra special... he lived for the holidays! Since he passed, and then getting divorced after....they've never been the same. I know, many of you would say, then I need to do that for my kids too. But, it's not that easy. I feel bad that I can't do more for them, nor do I have the energy to either. Not sure how my parents did it, knowing thier own struggles of having a big family. I sure could use a good talk with him right now. I miss him all the more at this time of year!!
I share not to have anyone feel sorry for me. But, in hopes others will be more understanding to those who deal with this on a regular basis. Be sympathetic & try to understand it's not something they can just "get over". Realize it takes a lot for some just to show up at a Holiday Party, or go anywhere for that matter, when all they want to do is stay home, because they fear others will notice, or they don't really feel like celebrating. Or maybe give them a break if they're late. Maybe they spent 5, 10-30 min getting over an anxiety attack, or forcing themselves to get out of bed. I know I am blessed, because despite it being a daily fight with myself, I have many loved ones who do check on me, who do take care of me (much more than they should!), and who find ways to keep me smiling & laughing through the tears. Not everyone is so lucky. I urge all of you to reach out to those in need, and those who don't have this same kind of support. This time of year can be extra tough on some. Finding ways to help them know they matter, will mean more than any gift you can give.
