'Tis The Season...

Welcome to the holidays...the "Happiest time of the year!" A season full of joy! Well, sure, unless you're someone who lives with chronic depression & anxiety, and struggling financially as it is. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the joyous moments, and time with family & friends. But, the moments inbetween can be more overwhelming than usual. Add to it, the cold dreary bitterness of winter, when you don't want to be outside at all (which usually getting out in the sun & getting fresh air, is what helps the depressed moments). When you work so much, just to get by, and then because if it, miss out on celebrations and then can't even give to your loved ones, like you want to do, it can get the best of you. Being alone doesn't help either. You want to be able to share the holidays with a loved one by your side, celebrating the fun of the season together. I used to look forward to getting decorations up, and doing the annual Christmas letter, being able to share all the fun moments of the year with loved ones. Now, there is no desire for any of it. It's hard to think what I could even write. Sure, most of it would be about my sweet granddaughter, as she is my pure joy & light in the darkness. I would also share the pride of my kids & thier achievements....for they are my reason to keep fighting through it. So, know I haven't forgotten my blessings. It's just when the depression takes over the rest, it's a challenge to not let it sneak through. Thinking of this year, I can't help but think about the lives lost. Three of my kid's friends in just the last 9 months...young lives gone too soon. It doesn't seem fair! Two of my friends losing thier husbands, and having to find out how to carry on without them. Then having certain friendships, or relationships, gone bad or just changed, and missing what was. It's mostly that....missing what once was! I've gone through a lot of pictures lately, and though I'm grateful for the memories, it's hard knowing what was. Now I'm attempting to get decos up; but, it is more of an exhausting process. But, I'm trying. My Pops always made them extra special... he lived for the holidays! Since he passed, and then getting divorced after....they've never been the same. I know, many of you would say, then I need to do that for my kids too. But, it's not that easy. I feel bad that I can't do more for them, nor do I have the energy to either. Not sure how my parents did it, knowing thier own struggles of having a big family. I sure could use a good talk with him right now. I miss him all the more at this time of year!!

I share not to have anyone feel sorry for me. But, in hopes others will be more understanding to those who deal with this on a regular basis. Be sympathetic & try to understand it's not something they can just "get over". Realize it takes a lot for some just to show up at a Holiday Party, or go anywhere for that matter, when all they want to do is stay home, because they fear others will notice, or they don't really feel like celebrating. Or maybe give them a break if they're late. Maybe they spent 5, 10-30 min getting over an anxiety attack, or forcing themselves to get out of bed. I know I am blessed, because despite it being a daily fight with myself, I have many loved ones who do check on me, who do take care of me (much more than they should!), and who find ways to keep me smiling & laughing through the tears. Not everyone is so lucky. I urge all of you to reach out to those in need, and those who don't have this same kind of support. This time of year can be extra tough on some. Finding ways to help them know they matter, will mean more than any gift you can give.

No Story Left Untold...

So, I've started this post numerous times, and deleted it over & over. Let's see if I can get enough courage to save it, and maybe actually hit send this time. Where do I start? This is a new blog, as 'The Coleman Five' just wasn't the same anymore, sadly.  I used to blog all the time there. It was therapeutic, and was a fun way to capture family memories. I've always like journaling, despite the fact I really don't want people to actually see most of what I've written.  And this is why we're here. This past weekend was the 'Out Of Darkness' walk, sponsored by the American Suicide Prevention Foundation, in honor of suicide awareness. People may wonder why this is so important to me..let me explain the best I can right now. When doing these walks over the years, I met a kid named Brady Shepherd, who started a foundation called 'No Story Left Untold', in honor of his sister who committed suicide. She felt her story didn't matter. He wanted to show us not only did her story matter, so did everyone's else's.  And, that no matter where life has taken you, your story DOES matter! We became friends, and I felt his vision. EVERYONE has a story, and deserves to be heard. We sadly lost Brady to a tragic car accident last year, and I want to honor him by sharing a small bit of my own. No Story Left Untold, right? So why, if I believe it, has it been so hard to share my own?  It's also hard to make sure you're not sharing others stories, who intertwine. My hope is that I may shine a light on why mental health awareness is so important, and how trying to make a difference by showing compassion to others, without judgment, can truly help. It's hard because you don't want to open yourself up to what people may think, too. But, since I have felt  compelled to share for a while, here we go.....

First of all, it's fair to say depression & anxiety are hereditary in my family. They are all a fabulous group who are so loving & caring; but, who I also know have had many struggles. I know I'm not alone on this. I think sometimes having an extra caring heart, like my family all seem to have, can also hinder you, because you feel other's pain too. Or it allows you to be vulnerable to people who will take advantage of it. I remember being sad & wanting go hide from everyone at a young age, even as early as 7, because I didn't want them to know. I would hide in the closet for much of the night. I had amazing friends from the beginning; yet, I was depressed often. I didn't feel it's something I could ever explain to them. As I grew up, I was conflicted with what I was told I had to believe, and what my heart said I believed. I also always "loved love", as some would say, and believed all the boys who said they "loved me". Why I constantly sought that attention, I don't know. I just wanted to make people happy I guess...was that a bad thing? Well, yea..it is when you sacrifice your self care, and self worth for it. I remember really caring for someone in High School, and later finding out I was nothing but a bet with the boys. Yea, this may have been the first time I really started thinking about suicide. Now...let me step back & be clear...despite how many times it's passed my head over the years, I always knew I never could, or would, because I knew how that would affect others. I knew because I witnessed what it was like to lose someone very close at age 9, and how that affected their family. Then we lost a friend to suicide at 16. That was the beginning of it all. I found "My Reasons" to hang on early on, which have kept me going all these years. But, has that stopped the thoughts from coming?..No. Have I been close to giving up before?..Yes. I also want to be sure I'm not blaming others. They made their own mistakes, and I put myself in some bad situations, that I have to take responsibility for. I also am not looking for sympathy. I know my story has lead me to be the person I am today, the good with the bad. And I know regardless of it, I am amazing, and have a big heart.  I know I have made a difference in people's lives, and am here for a reason. I know I deserve to be loved & treated with respect, despite how often I've allow myself to be treated otherwise.

I remember thinking, I would never actually "kill myself"; but, "it would be OK" if someone ran me off the road. "It would be OK" if I was wasted enough not to wake up. I know, this sounds horrible; but, I'm trying to be as honest as I can be. I'm not saying any of that is right, or would actually be OK; but, sometimes you can't control what your mind wants to tell you. Some days the fight is a lot harder. Like when you're truly exhausted & feel like you can't do it anymore. Or, when your whole body hurts & you can't sleep or function properly. It's a terrible feeling I wish on no one. But, if you've had these feelings, you understand.

I remember a time, being passed out after drinking a whole lot of tequila, to waking up to being taken advantage of, by someone I didn't know...a friend of a guy I chose to be with, who left me there. And then by another one of his friends, after waking up again. I felt like I was frozen and couldnt move, even after they left me there. I was on a top bunk, and couldn't get down. It wasn't until a stranger walked by, saw me lying there, got me dressed & found my friends. I wish I could thank him! I blurred much of this out for many years, and honestly didn't accept what that really was. Yea, guess you could say, "Me Too". Some of it is still blurry (fortunately); but, it's something that has never left me either. I will often vision them, how they were standing together, across the street the next morning, except their faces are blurry. Just a haunting feeling when it comes up. That was another time I felt I wasn't worthy enough to keep living.

I've allowed mean words said to me play over & over & over in my head. To the point I believed them. And yet, I would say some ugly things too, and then hate myself for allowing myself to go there, when I know how much it hurts. When you're told to get over it, or simply stop thinking about it, and you can't, you beat yourself up some more. Yes, everyone has moments in life that are sad, or difficult to overcome. We all have our own stories....just trying to explain my own. I know it's how we choose to let it affect us. I'm just saying, it's not quite so easy sometimes, no matter how hard you try.

When you have a plan, and all of a sudden life throws you curve balls, and you feel like a failure..then you once again question your worth. There was a day when I knew my marriage was over, and just lost it with all the stress at work. I drove up the canyon so fast, practically ran up a mountain looking for any kind of peace to hang on to. I looked at a cliff for quite a while, thinking maybe I could just jump. Again, not proud of these thoughts. But, I'm trying to give a few examples of someone who has to fight the fight on a regular basis.

Taking care of yourself, and loving yourself, is so important. That I know, despite how hard it is some days. I shouldn't have to wake up and have to go through my list of reasons, just to get out of bed. But, I have tried to always keep those in forefront. I am fortunate to have so many people who love & care for me, regardless. I have a dear friend who made me pinky promise I would never act on those thoughts. I don't forget that, and glad she held me accountable. Not everyone is so lucky to have these kind of people, I know. There is simply not enough resources, and proper treatment plans available for many. This is a serious issue in our country that seems to get swept under the rug. 

Not only have I seen one too many people in my life lose the battle; but, I've watched many loved ones lose some close to them, and seen the kind of anger & sadness it's caused. I sat & talked someone out of it one night. Someone who I see has made a difference in so many other's lives, I can't imagine her not being here. Interesting seeing it from the other side. I get it..sadly, I get it. I'm so grateful I was there. Just yesterday, I heard of another friend's attempt & it just hit me hard, because I've been trying to put this in words for a while, and sad I wasn't there when she needed me most. Personally, I find ways to help, by doing what I love, like Jazzercise & softball. Or, by surrounding myself around loved ones. I find giving back, and finding a way to make a difference to others, also helps. It's when I'm alone, and get in my head more, that needs a lot of work (and yes, I am still working on that...so you know!) I know I have a purpose. I know my story matters. These incidents don't define me. I think if we truly took the time to hear others stories, without judgement, we would could begin to turn this epidemic around. People need to feel loved, appreciated, and heard. In this, Suicide Awareness Month, I felt it was time to share a small bit of my story...as scary as it is putting anything out there (along with the anxiety it's causing me to share!). Again, I can only hope it helps someone out there who feels alone. You are not alone, and you have people who care. You can call me...I will listen. But, PLEASE, I BEG YOU,....DO NOT GIVE UP!! PLEASE FIND YOUR REASONS TO STAY!! Life can be wonderful, if it allow it. We have to focus on all the good, and not let the bad win. YOU matter!